LOTR: FOTR Parody
by Eternal Blue Phoenix
Summary: A spiced-up version of the story we all love. PG-13 for language, drinking. Not for those that would be offended by a little bit of making fun of LOTR!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Once apon a time, a 14-year-old Lord of the Rings fan became very bored with her writings of Enep the Unicorn. So she decided to take a break from that, and help herself to some laughter and creativity. Lo and behold...  
  
-----  
  
Bag End  
  
Frodo, sitting at a wooden table writing poems just for the hell of it, looks up at his Uncle Bilbo.  
  
FRODO: You're drunk already, and the party hasn't even started.  
  
BILBO: What? Who are you?!  
  
He grabs a bat and starts swinging blindly at Frodo, knocking the pencil out of his nephew's hand.  
  
FRODO: What the-?! Bilbo! It's me, Frodo!  
  
Bilbo blinks rapidly.  
  
BILBO: Oh, oh yeah. Forgive me.  
  
FRODO: Stop drinking, you beer-bellied bastard. Save it for the party, will you?  
  
BILBO: (Shrugs) Ok.  
  
Frodo gets up and rushes to the kitchen to lock away the spirits.  
  
BILBO: Hey, by the way, I've got something for you.  
  
He chucks a golden ring at Frodo.  
  
FRODO: Wha? (Catches it)  
  
Bilbo snatches it back.  
  
BILBO: Um, just kidding! Heh...  
  
Frodo shrugs and puts the key in his pocket.  
  
-----  
  
Later on, at the Birthday party  
  
Frodo takes a seat next to Sam, who's sipping at an ale.  
  
FRODO: C'mon Sam, have a dance with Rosie!  
  
SAM: (Looking at Frodo dreamily) Oh no, Mr. Frodo, I'd much rather dance with--  
  
He gets pushed into the crowd by Frodo into Rosie's arms.  
  
ROSIE: Wow! Where'd you come from?  
  
They dance off. Merry and Pippin trot up behind Frodo.  
  
MERRY: Hi!  
  
PIPPIN: Hi!  
  
FRODO: Not you two again. You do realize that I'm a perfectly normal, well- behaved hobbit that doesn't smoke or drink, or get into trouble in particular.  
  
PIPPIN: (Confused) What'd you just say?  
  
FRODO: Nevermind.  
  
MERRY: Hey Frodo! In case you ever want to go on any adventures or anything, bring us with you!  
  
Frodo rolls his eyes and starts to walk off.  
  
FRODO: Whatever. Sure, yeah. If it'll get you to get out of my sight.  
  
PIPPIN: Hey! What'd Bilbo just drop?  
  
Frodo walk over to the shiny thing on the ground and picks it up. Gandalf suddenly appears right in front of him with a poof of grey smoke.  
  
GANDALF: That's a magic ring. You'll have to take it to Rivendell. Pack your things, you're leaving tomorrow!  
  
Poof, and he's gone again.  
  
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!  
  
FRODO: Dammit.  
  
-----  
  
The East Road  
  
Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry trudge along.  
  
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Yay! Adventure!  
  
FRODO: Will you cut that out???!!!!  
  
SAM: Calm down, you must save your strength. I want you to stay safe, Mr. Frodo.  
  
FRODO: Oh, and that makes you my best friend.  
  
SAM: Actually, it does.  
  
FRODO: Up yours.  
  
The road ahead starts to swirl in a weird way.  
  
MERRY: Damn, that's strange. We better hide.  
  
The hobbits jump into a muddy ditch.  
  
PIPPIN: This can't be right...  
  
FRODO: Shhh! Something's coming! Cover yourself in mud!  
  
They do so, and a Ring-wraith rides up. He stays for a minute, then rides off again.  
  
MERRY: That was close!  
  
The Ring-wraith hears and gallops up again.  
  
SAM: Shit! Runnnnn!!!  
  
They run. Suddenly it's night, and they're still running, and Sam, Pippin, and Merry jump onto a boat in some random river.  
  
SAM: Ok, are we all here?! One......... Two...... There's only two of us!  
  
MERRY: Three, Sam! You forgot to count you!  
  
PIPPIN: No, he forgot to count YOU!  
  
SAM: Three comes after two?  
  
MERRY: Nevermind! One of us is missing!  
  
PIPPIN: Nuh-uh. We're all here.  
  
MERRY: Frodo! He's not here! Where'd he go?  
  
Frodo jumps up onto the boat, spinning it around with his momentum. The Black Rider stops at the bank, shouting extremely vulgar language to all four hobbits.  
  
FRODO: Idiots! Why didn't you wait for me!?  
  
-----  
  
Bree  
  
PIPPIN: (To Merry) I dare you to find at least 20 words that rhyme with Bree.  
  
FRODO: Shut up, dammit. I need to convince this gate dude to let us in.  
  
The gate magically opens.  
  
SAM: That was easy. You're my hero, Frodo!  
  
MERRY: Let's go!  
  
They arrive at the Prancing Pony Inn.  
  
INNKEEPER: (Taking one look at Frodo) Mmm... who's your daddy?  
  
Sam pulls out his sword.  
  
FRODO: Look, can we just get a flipping room?  
  
INNKEEPER: Oh yeah, sorry. How many beds?  
  
SAM: (Whispers to Merry) What comes after three?  
  
FRODO: Four.  
  
INNKEEPER: We only have up to three beds per room, cutey.  
  
FRODO: Umm, ok, that's fine.  
  
SAM: You can share my bed, Frodo. (Batts eyelashes)  
  
FRODO: Not in a million years, pervert.  
  
-----  
  
Later that night, in Strider's room  
  
STRIDER: (Looks out the window) I wonder what those black things are?  
  
PIPPIN: They tried to kill us.  
  
STRIDER: That brings us to one conclusion: they're bad. (Looks proud of himself)  
  
MERRY: (To Frodo) You sure this is the right guy?  
  
Frodo shrugs and turns over to sleep.  
  
-----  
  
Weathertop  
  
FRODO: Sam, you pay a lot more attention to that horse than you do me.  
  
SAM: You had your chance, fool.  
  
FRODO: What the hell?  
  
Frodo suddenly realizes the fire Merry and Pippin have going.  
  
FRODO: Noo!! Put it out, assholes! You're so (censored)ing stupid!!!! AHHHRRR!!!!  
  
He steps on their fire.  
  
MERRY: You're such a BITCH! Stop it!  
  
FRODO: Dammit, that's hot! Oh, my pretty feet! (Hops around)  
  
PIPPIN: Hey... they are kinda pretty...  
  
Sam pulls out his sword. Suddenly, Black Riders are spotted in the distance.  
  
SAM: (To Merry and Pippin) Hey, I've got an idea! Instead of going DOWN the hill, let's go UP, and set Frodo up for a very heroic injury!  
  
MERRY: Sounds good.  
  
PIPPIN: Let's go!  
  
-----  
  
In the forest  
  
Aragorn is with Arwen laying in the grass, both semi-naked.  
  
ARAGORN: (Hears the Black Riders) Shit, what now?  
  
Arwen sighs and gets up.  
  
ARWEN: I have a feeling Frodo's been stabbed... poor, cute little...  
  
ARAGORN: Hey.  
  
ARWEN: Sorry. Hey, I know! You go and save them, and bring them here, and just when they all think Frodo's going to die, I'll pop out of nowhere and save his life. I'll take him to my people.  
  
ARAGORN: Hell no! Once your dad learns that the little dude is a friend of mine, he'll kill him on the spot. And how do you know Frodo's hurt, anyway?  
  
ARWEN: I read ahead in the script. Hurry!  
  
-----  
  
Author's Note: And it ends there. No, just kidding... I'll add more later. I need to go to bed for now. Hope you like it so far... expect more really SOON! 


	2. Part Two

Author's Note: And so it continues. Enjoy!  
  
-----  
  
Back at Weathertop  
  
FRODO: Neep! Not good!  
  
The hobbits scurry up the hillside, Sam making sure they go upwards. At the top they all huddle around Frodo.  
  
MERRY: (To Sam) You sure about this?  
  
SAM: Positive. Maybe it'll teach him a lesson.  
  
A Black Rider bounds up and pushes Sam to the side.  
  
SAM: Ouch! Hey, they weren't supposed to be that strong and mean!  
  
FRODO: (In his own little world) I wonder what will happen if I put my ring on?  
  
He puts it on.  
  
PIPPIN: Wow! I didn't know Frodo was a wizard!  
  
FRODO: Wow! I didn't know this would make me invisible!  
  
BLACK RIDER: Wow! Here's my opportunity to kick his ass!  
  
MERRY: Sam, this plan is not working out!  
  
SAM: Obviously. Where's Frodo?  
  
Strider suddenly pops out of nowhere with a wind-resistant flame on a stick.  
  
ARAGORN: Hey, where's Frodo?  
  
PIPPIN: He's a wizard! He's disapeered!  
  
ARAGORN: Wow! I didn't know --  
  
MERRY: Shut up, all of you, if you haven't noticed yet we're being attacked!!!  
  
ARAGORN: Oh yeah.  
  
Ten minutes later.  
  
FRODO: He stabbed me! I'm bleeding! I'm dyyyyying!  
  
SAM: Calm down. So, you're saying, you put the ring on and that's why you suddenly disapeered?  
  
PIPPIN: What a disappointment. I thought you were a wizard.  
  
Frodo glares at Pippin.  
  
-----  
  
Rivendell  
  
ELROND: What the-?! Arwen, why didn't you tell me this halfling was a friend of your boyfriend? I could have killed him on the spot!  
  
ARWEN: Daddy, be nice.  
  
-----  
  
The Council of Elrond  
  
ELROND: Let's start this meeting. But before we begin, gentlemen, I want you to know that I really don't want to be here right now, and I will not tolerate any smart-alecky comments, rudeness, smirking, Wizards that think they know everything, boyfriends of my daughter, elves that think they're prettier than me, and especially hobbits that think they can save the world. Kapeesh?  
  
FRODO: Whatever. About this Ring --  
  
GANDALF: Someone needs to take it to Mordor, and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can its powers be undone.  
  
BOROMIR: I say you give it to me. I can use it to save Gondor!  
  
ARAGORN: How the hell do you think you can do that? Say nice things to it so it suddenly wants to be good instead of bad?  
  
GIMLI: I don't remember coming to the conclusion that it was bad to begin with...  
  
ELROND: Shut up, shut up. I think Boromir's idea is better than anyone else's.  
  
LEGOLAS: Oh, stop playing favorites.  
  
ELROND: What if you were my favorite? Would you want me to stop playing favorites if you were my favorite? I don't think so.  
  
FRODO: Ahemm, um, ANYWAY...  
  
GANDALF: I say Mount Doom! Chant with me! Mount Doom, Mount Doom!  
  
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Mount Doom, Mount Doom!  
  
Frodo rubs his temples.  
  
ELROND: Okay FINE! If it makes you all happy! Personally, I don't give a damn as to what the hell you do with that stupid Ring, because I can always just sail away to the Grey Havens!  
  
SAM: (Pops out of the bushes with Merry and Pippin) We want to go to Mount Doom.  
  
ELROND: (Chuckles) You have no idea of the dangers that await you. But that's ok, you all deserve to die anyway. Council dismissed.  
  
-----  
  
Somewhere in the mountains  
  
Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas are all staring at a map.  
  
GANDALF: We should take the Caradhras path.  
  
BOROMIR: No... why don't we just go down the valley?  
  
LEGOLAS: We'd be going the wrong way.  
  
ARAGORN: The map is upside-down.  
  
GANDALF: No it's not...  
  
BOROMIR: Can't we visit that Disneyland on the way?  
  
LEGOLAS: No time, no money.  
  
ARAGORN: Disneyland? I don't see a Disneyland.  
  
LEGOLAS: I think we're lost.  
  
GANDALF: Shut up, I know what I'm doing.  
  
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are practising their sword skills.  
  
MERRY: Take that! (Clang)  
  
PIPPIN: Watch your head! (Swoosh)  
  
LEGOLAS: (Suddenly looking up) What's that in the sky?  
  
ARAGORN: It's a cloud, you moron.  
  
FRODO: No it's not.  
  
GANDALF: Spies of the enemy! Hide!  
  
They dive into their hiding spots, as they'd done in their drills. The spies go over them, fly around a bit, and fly away.  
  
MERRY: That was--  
  
SAM: Shh!  
  
-----  
  
Caradhras  
  
PIPPIN: I'm cold. Carry me, Boromir? (Batts eyelashes)  
  
BOROMIR: Aww... how can I resist?  
  
LEGOLAS: (To Gandalf) I'm hearing things.  
  
ARAGORN: (Who overheard) Yeah, and I see dead people.  
  
GANDALF: I have a plan B. Let's go to Moria if this doesn't work out, ok?  
  
GIMLI: Sounds good to me. We can visit my cousin.  
  
FRODO AND SAM: Noo......  
  
-----  
  
Holin's Gate  
  
GANDALF: Dammit, I was never a good hacker.  
  
MERRY: Just guess the password, ok? Pippin and I will throw stones in the lake to provoke any dangerous monsters.  
  
ARAGORN: (To Boromir) You can put Pippin down now.  
  
BOROMIR: But he's so cute!  
  
GANDALF: Squishy watermelons... no, that's not it... loopy girdle-buns... no....  
  
FRODO: What's the elvish word for friend?  
  
GANDALF: Mellon...  
  
The doors open.  
  
MERRY: Big monster alert!!  
  
A big octopus comes out of the water and snatches Frodo's ankle.  
  
FRODO: Neep!  
  
PIPPIN: This can't be good...  
  
LEGOLAS: I'll save you! (Arrows fly)  
  
ARAGORN: Careful not to hit the halfling!  
  
BOROMIR: No! Hit him! I want his shiny magic ring!  
  
-----  
  
Moria  
  
SAM: Roll call. Did we all make it in alive?  
  
MERRY: Sam, last time you checked to see if we were all here, it didn't work.  
  
GIMLI: Besides, it's pitch black in here.  
  
GANDALF: I just happen to have a handy-dandy bright stone in my pocket, here.  
  
The room lights up.  
  
LEGOLAS: I'm so glad we're in a movie, where none of the main characters can die.  
  
ARAGORN: Don't jinx it.  
  
-----  
  
Khazad-Dum  
  
FRODO: God dammit, Pippin!  
  
PIPPIN: This isn't my fault! It was Gandalf's idea to even come here!  
  
GANDALF: Cross the bridge! Hurry!  
  
BOROMIR: Why the bridge? What kind of bridge is this anyway?  
  
ARAGORN: They might as well have just made it a tightrope.  
  
LEGOLAS: We can get across.  
  
MERRY: Easy for you to say. A few of us are a little overweight.  
  
PIPPIN: Hey, who said we couldn't be carried over?  
  
-----  
  
Moria exit  
  
SAM: You and your jinxes, Legolas.  
  
Frodo runs up to Legolas and grabs his throat.  
  
GIMLI: Stop it! All of you!  
  
-----  
  
Author's Note: To be continued later on... whew, that was a lot of writing. 


End file.
